WTF??? Abby, I am sorry but you really need to pass some letters by and NOT respond. You are a very rich woman and have obviously led a very sheltered life. I can think of many letters you should have passed by, but the most striking are the stupid everyday household questions that people ask you when they should be (thinking for themselves) asking Dear Heloise. Or me.
note: the wording is not accurate in the following letters but the subject is.
First one that comes to mind:
Dear Abby, my husband steps out of the shower dripping wet and leaves the bath mat soaked. I hate stepping barefoot on it after he leaves the bathroom. Shouldn't he be drying off in the shower before he steps out? signed, Very Pissed
Answer: Dear Very, isn't that what bath mats are for? I see no reason why he should not step out of the shower to stand on the bath mat to dry off.
Me: Are you nuts? No, you are merely wealthy and you and husband obviously have separate bathrooms where you do not have to suffer the indignity of stepping in his drippings.
Another letter:
Dear Abby, my husband leaves the shower curtain open when he leaves the shower. I like it closed to prevent mildew and it looks better. He refuses to listen to me. signed, Please Be on My Side
Dear Please Be, I have checked with my favorite high-priced hotel in New York City or wherever, and their cleaning ladies suggest that the shower curtain be left gathered in the middle of the rod with both ends open for air circulation. Of course their shower curtains get laundered regularly. (dig)
Me: Are you nuts? I'll bet you do not know what mildew is. I'll bet you do not and have never had shower curtains. Where is Heloise when we need her? Dear Wives, you are right and your husbands are wrong. What else is new? They should be drying off in the damned shower and then stepping out. They should be closing the shower curtain completely so it can dry out and not mildew in the folds. There is plenty of air circulation above the curtain.
Abby, you are definitely following in your dear mother's footsteps. She being the original Dear Abby. I remember clearly, many many years ago, some other naive wife wrote to say her husband thought she should be ironing the bedsheets. Your mom said, of course she should be ironing the bedsheets. Then after your mom got a truckload of mail from worn-out "housewives" (as they were called way back when), she admitted that her maid ironed the bedsheets and she had no idea that everyone did not possess a mangle. And/or a live-in maid, apparently.
Note: for those who do not know, a mangle was a large machine with a heated padded roller used for pressing large items, such as bedsheets. And for those who don't know what a live-in maid is, well, neither do I.
Edited
Oh boy, do I have a good one here. This is from today's newspaper (Jan. 22, 2010) and it proves my point, in fact it proves a few of my points. This will be borrowed from Dear Abby's column word for word:
Dear Abby: I'm having a dispute with my husband. He thinks that you screw in a light bulb clockwise. I disagree. I say counter-clockwise. Which of us are correct? Erika/ALA.
Dear Erika: He is. You screw in a light bulb by turning it to the right, the same way you tighten the lid on a jar- which is clockwise. The mnemonic (why would you use a word such as this?) for this is: "Right is tight: left is loose."
OK, first question: Why are wives having these dumb arguments with their husbands? Why don't they just unscrew or screw in a light bulb to settle the argument instead of writing to Dear Abby? Why does Dear Abby choose to answer such inane questions when I will bet there is a letter in your pile from someone who really needs advice? (I have a theory. Some (including Dear Abby) are confused between Heloise and Dear Abby. You both have a silver streak in your hair and you each inherited your columns from your mother.)
And as usual the husband is right. Now here are possible scenarios that would have different outcomes. If one is screwing the light bulb into a socket overhead (as in on the ceiling) it is screwed in counter-clockwise and the wife is right. If said light bulb is being screwed into a table lamp it is screwed in clockwise and the husband is right. So in reality it is a draw.
But Dear Abby does not think of possibilities. There is only one answer: the husband is right. And as far as the "mnemonic" is concerned, if you want to quote verbatim, the correct wording is: righty tighty, lefty loosey. Thank you Dear Abby, you have made my day. Sorry for picking on you but I just can't help it.
